Illusions...

"The human potential to hurt and to love is so strong. I realize now more than ever before how I must make a conscious effort not to judge."

After all, everyone has their own crosses to bear and their own scars to live with.
At fifteen the world was bigger than it seems today. I was naive and happy with my misconceptions. It was easier to be a dreamer, to have an unrealistic view of reality and to have absolutely no concern about adulthood.I never actually thought I'd be rolling along in the twenties with issues of self-worth and the clinging ambition to do something more. I was wrong about so many people who turned out exactly the opposite of what I expected. I thought I was so sure of my aspirations academically until I opened my mind to other avenues.Choice can be unnerving. But I learn something interesting everyday and that helps eliminate what I don't like. I was wrong in thinking certain bonds with certain people to be everlasting. Instead I made new and unexpected friends in the weirdest of places.I learnt how awesome it felt to help a complete stranger and one day to find someone go out of their way in being kind to me.
Then suddenly one day, a moment...changes your life at that strategic second that you were so blissfully unaware of. You feel like you've never felt before, you hope like you've never hoped before and surprisingly in my case -I prayed like I've never before prayed before.
To feel like you've 'come home', changes you. It's almost spiritual. It helps you get through the day, sleep happily and dream on....Now at fifteen, I would never have said this.I've changed. Life and timing though are somewhat still struggling to sync themselves in my reality. That feeling of 'Coming home' is an intangible one. It was there all along, but I needed to reach this stage to feel its power. I want to 'go home'. But I can't just yet. I must work hard, wait patiently and trust in a miracle. Life is a surprise.

How low is rock-bottom?

Spiraling downwards can be calmingly frightening especially since I'd never been to rock bottom before. It's approach is a dark place whose cranky walls bear the eyes of all the world, cold and shrouded in mystery. Eons away the sunlight smirks at how 'light' belongs only to him. Life laughs at me. Tears burn youthful skin and I cringe with vulnerability. In between quiet sobs I try to meditate. Time becomes relative to a new state of numbness. The mind vilifies the heart with freezing truth as I asphyxiate in mid air. I become a victim of my own introspection. Such bitterness brings with it the acrid taste of a cheated potential. Suddenly I stop. A flickering light, resurfacing hope...is that what I saw? I run breathlessly past the mountain of despair, through the tunnel of ruin, tripping over self-respect as I ache to catch that falling star. Blood, sweat and tears share my pool of melancholy. I'm lost again. "Keep walking" my mind says, "there's a sign up ahead." Death and its inebriated friend were waiting for me next to a sign that said "Welcome to NOWHERE". My knees give way but my legs are relentless. Somewhere in my subconscious I still feel like a gunner.I'v eaten my words for dinner, so I'm speechless now. I'm also alone. My mind is chaotic with its cacophony of thoughts amidst this ear-splitting silence. I haven't seen color in days now. This black abyss is my abode. Does anyone even know I'm here? I wonder...The walls have ears but turn deaf to my pleas. Mercy shows no sign of return nor does verve. At least there's music. I'm listening to 'the blues'. I'm drenched in misery as gloom vibes with obscurity. Stark naked, I attempt to drape my shadow over my shoulders. I fall faster. It's an exhausting pace to breathe at. I await animation...I smell ashes...far away, hopefully that phoenix will rise.

Look at me and see what I don't show you...

This is not an ordinary blog, It's a strange one where 'being vague' is allowed. It's about me and who I am without an accurate profile. Giving information away is boring. I don't need to put up a detailed description of myself, moreover I like my fortress of emotional overgrowth. It's up to you to look inside. If you don't care to..I won't bother. I will not introduce myself unless you fascinate me.

I'm lying. I just have vulnerability issues.

A glance at my life won't hurt though. So I was born on the second day in the month of June which gave unto Mercury the power to control me. Gemini or the twins 'they' call us...uhm... sorry 'me'...I wear a different avataar for each personality. Variety is the spice of life. I believe that my overactive imagination, astute randomness and insomnia are due to the planetary alignments at birth. I, am that foolishly optimistic nocturnal thinker who contemplates my purpose in this life and whether destiny trumps free-will or when in doubt I just argue with my maker. Apart from that, I'm Greek obsessed-I can never get enough of ancient mythology and in particular-Goddess Athena and her Owl. Disappearing acts are characteristically ME and solitary escape revive my soul. That is, of course metaphorically and physically speaking...my aching need to be close, yet far away from people. Music takes me to realms of my minds eye I never even knew existed. I love historical fiction so much it makes me abhor reality on occasions. When I'm not using a book to get lost in a parallel universe I befriend a canvas to reflect my thoughts, dabble with colors or sometimes just paint visions in black.

Rebellion is not a stranger to me. It is who I am. I breathe non-conventionality and it drives me on. Motivation comes from dreaming about things I have yet to see, people that fascinate me and situations conjured up in my head. It breaks the monotony of this life. At this juncture, as a viewer reading my blog I'm sure you realize that I completely lack 'structure of thought', but then so does the script in 'Before sunset'...If you didn't identify with that movie, your definition of 'awesomeness' is way off!

Now my mind is tired and I need to go sniff out some inspiration. I probably will find it in the fridge between the salami and the smoked cheese and that will equip me to write again soon! Of course I also need some drama, pre-concieved notions and completely irrational thoughts which is not alien to my life or family atmosphere.. to complete my day! Don't worry though, before I burn down my bridges I will find that bottle of Port..deep red and so alluring.. and she will save me from this quagmire. Till next time... the voices in my head say bye to you all!

-Sonia.